Monday, May 16, 2011

Run the Numbers. Not Good.

When you do the math on my Parent of Teenage Girls years, I have ten years down. Thirty-eight to go.

There is Collin, of course, who is 18. And being male, he pretty much rocked out on the whole teenage experience. He brings sanity to an otherwise wrong situation and has and continues to enjoy the perks of not being female.

There is Alissa, newly 15 and fully permitted to drive, who is the quintessential classic teenager. Amazingly strong and mature at the most surprising moments and shockingly dorky when you pretty much expect it. She's far more level headed than I expected her to be at this point. And I have great confidence that she'll be out of her teen years around the age of 21.

Then there is Mia. She's approximately 13 right now, which is a full 4 years ahead of schedule. If you do the math she will be a very pleasant person when she hits 19. The math works like this: a teenage girl is unreasonable and not at all to be taken seriously until they are 23, at which age they finally become nice. So if Mia is four years ahead of schedule and you stop being a teenager at age 23 if you are female, then she should be a decent human being at about age 19. Being that she is actually 9, I have ten years left with her.

Ania isn't anywhere near being a teenager in any form or nuance. BUT she is about as much work as fourteen year old twin girls. My estimated projection time for her is a bit grim. I think it will be about 3 more years until she is only as much work as one fourteen year old girl, which will plateau until she actually reaches 16, at which time she will progress from fourteen to the estimated time of female pleasantry, age 23. So, with the math that is (3×2)+7+9=22years.

Kaisha is twenty-one. She stopped being a teenager about half way through her 20th year. It was the best of surprises, completely unexpected, that she graduated early, since the theory of 23 was developed with her. The other shock was that it wasn't gradual. She was dreadful and then she wasn't. Pretty much overnight. Just ask her.

Total.....6+10+22=38. I have 38 combined years of parenting teenage girls left.

I tend to be a bit of realist and think we should deal with these types of things straight up. Thus this declaration to the world of people.who.have.nothing.better.to.do than read my long, fairly stupid blogposts.

The bottom line? The absolutely obvious conclusion we should all draw?

image by Alissa
Collin might do well to move out. Soon. Before...um...before...hmm. You tell me. What horrible thing happens to victims with toxic doses of estrogen exposure? It can't be good.

Although...two very good things that have come out of the whole unfairness are: one, he's never had a girlfriend. He knows faaaaaar too much about girls to be dumb enough to date one. And two, he will, I would bet my life on it, make THE best husband someday. The girls would be lining up for interviews if they had any idea how completely amazing he is.

5 comments:

Leslie said...

This was hilarious! So your saying that since Isaac just turned 13 that I have 10 years with him then Job turns 13 in two more years and Lona, well she pretty much has had PMS off and on since she was a baby so until 23? We may need another weekend. I am totally buying your math here.

Through the Sea Glass said...

Ummm excuse me I do have things to do other than read your blog...but I ADORE knowing about your heart and life through this. :) I LOVE reading your blog. Ill take over mia and ania for you!!! :) ah can't wait to be stuck with kids. That means family. Can't wait!

tara said...

OH my goodness! Thank you for that wonderful morning laugh! Just how I needed to start my day! I love how you view life...you have the coolest insight into the strangest things!!

abigail said...

Nice math! :) And here, here on the words about Collin...some girl's gonna be very lucky. :)

Mamamac said...

Love This Post! Made me chuckle cause it is reality in our world, isn't it? Mustn't forget to laugh in the midst . . . and maybe Ian and Colin could start some sort of support group .